Why You Can't Accept Compliments (And What It's Actually Costing You)
Can't accept compliments without deflecting? Learn why this happens, what it's costing you, and how to start believing the good things people say about you.
"Thank you."
That's it. Two words. And yet when someone compliments your work, your appearance, or your capability, those two words feel impossible to say without immediately adding:
"Oh, it was nothing." "I just got lucky." "Anyone could have done it." "You're just being nice." "I actually messed up the middle part."
Sound familiar?
The Problem:
You know you should just accept the compliment. You've read the advice: "Just say thank you and move on." But every time you try, something in you recoils. The praise feels wrong, uncomfortable, even dangerous somehow.
So you deflect. Minimise. Redirect. List everything you did wrong. Give credit to everyone else. Anything to make the spotlight move away from you.
And then, hours later, you're analyse whether you deflected too much. Whether they think you're fishing for more praise. Whether you came across as ungrateful or insecure.
Here's what I want you to understand: this isn't just awkwardness. And it's costing you more than you realise.
What Deflecting Compliments Actually Looks Like
The Automatic Patterns:
When someone says: "You did a great job on that presentation"
You say:
"Oh, it wasn't that good actually, I stumbled over the middle part"
"Sarah did most of the work, I just pulled it together"
"I was so nervous, I'm sure everyone could tell"
"Really? I thought it was kind of a mess"
Or the physical deflection:
Waving your hand dismissively
Laughing it off
Changing the subject immediately
Turning it back to them: "You would have done it better"
The Internal Experience:
When someone compliments you, your brain immediately:
Scans for all the ways they're wrong
Lists evidence against what they just said
Feels uncomfortable, exposed, or even panicked
Assumes they're just being polite or they haven't noticed your flaws yet
Worries that accepting it means you're arrogant or lying
It's not that you don't hear the compliment. It's that your brain rejects it as invalid data.
Why This Happens (The Psychology)
It's Not Humility, It's Imposter Syndrome
When you deflect compliments, it's usually because:
Your core belief is: "I'm not actually that good."
So when someone says you are, it creates cognitive dissonance. The compliment doesn't match what you believe about yourself. Your brain has two options:
Accept the compliment and question your core belief
Reject the compliment and keep your belief intact
Your brain chooses option 2 every time. Because changing a core belief feels destabilising. Rejecting compliments feels safer.
The Imposter Syndrome Component:
If you struggle with imposter syndrome, compliments feel like:
A trap: "If I accept this and they find out I'm not actually that good, the fall will be worse"
A lie: "They don't see what I see, all my flaws and mistakes"
Pressure: "Now I have to maintain this illusion that I'm competent"
Exposure risk: "What if accepting this makes me look arrogant and then I fail?"
In your mind, deflecting the compliment is protecting you from future exposure.
The Perfectionism Factor:
If you're a perfectionist, your brain:
Can only see the flaws in your work, not the strengths
Believes that if something isn't perfect, it's not praise-worthy
Thinks accepting praise for imperfect work is dishonest
Uses compliments as evidence that "they just don't know how bad it really was"
You're not rejecting the person giving the compliment. You're rejecting the idea that you deserve it.
Where This Comes From:
This pattern usually develops when:
Praise was conditional growing up (only when you achieved, performed, or met standards)
Love felt tied to being "good enough" or accomplishing things
Mistakes were criticised more than successes were celebrated
You learned that being "too confident" was arrogant or unlikeable
Your worth became tied to external achievement rather than inherent value
Your brain learned: praise is dangerous because it sets expectations you might not meet.
What Deflecting Compliments Is Actually Costing You
You're Training Your Brain to Reject Positive Evidence
Every time you deflect a compliment, you're telling your brain: "This positive information about me is incorrect. Discard it."
Over time, this creates a filter where:
Your brain collects and remembers criticism, mistakes, and failures
Your brain dismisses, minimises, and forgets praise, success, and capability
You end up with a completely biased view of yourself, one that only sees the negative
This is called negativity bias, and you're reinforcing it every time you deflect.
You're Reinforcing "I'm Not Good Enough"
When you say:
"Oh, it was nothing" → Your brain hears: "My work has no value"
"I just got lucky" → Your brain hears: "I'm not actually capable"
"Anyone could have done it" → Your brain hears: "I'm not special or skilled"
You think you're being humble. Your brain thinks you're confirming you're inadequate.
You're Keeping Yourself Stuck in Imposter Syndrome
Imposter syndrome thrives on the belief: "I'm fooling everyone and eventually they'll find out."
When you deflect compliments, you reinforce:
They don't really see the truth about me
I'm managing their perception of me
I can't let them believe I'm actually good at this
One day they'll realise they were wrong about me
You're preventing the cognitive dissonance that would challenge imposter syndrome. You're keeping yourself trapped.
You're Making Others Feel Uncomfortable
When someone gives you a genuine compliment and you immediately deflect, dismiss, or list your flaws, they often feel:
Dismissed (like their opinion doesn't matter)
Awkward (unsure how to respond)
Like they made a mistake giving you praise
Less likely to compliment you in the future
People stop giving you positive feedback when you consistently reject it.
You're Missing Opportunities
When you can't internalise your strengths and capabilities:
You don't apply for opportunities you're qualified for
You don't negotiate for what you deserve
You don't put yourself forward for visibility
You stay small to avoid the discomfort of being seen as capable
Deflecting compliments keeps you playing small.
The Compliment That Changed Everything
I once worked with a client, let's call her Sarah, who was brilliant at her job. Genuinely exceptional. She'd been promoted twice in three years, her team loved her, her boss regularly praised her leadership.
And every single time someone complimented her, she'd immediately list three things she'd done wrong.
In one of our sessions, I asked her: "What would happen if you just said 'thank you' when someone complimented you? Nothing else. Just 'thank you.'"
She looked genuinely panicked.
"That feels arrogant." "What if they think I agree with them and I'm full of myself?" "What if I accept it and then I mess up and they realise they were wrong?"
So we tried an experiment. For two weeks, her only job was to say "thank you" when someone gave her a compliment. No deflection. No list of flaws. No redirection. Just "thank you."
She hated it at first. It felt uncomfortable, false, even terrifying.
But after two weeks, something shifted.
She came into session and said: "I think... I might actually be good at my job?"
Not because the compliments changed. Because she finally let them in.
For years, she'd been collecting evidence that she wasn't good enough. But when she stopped deflecting, she started collecting evidence that maybe, just maybe, she was actually capable.
That's what accepting compliments does. It doesn't make you arrogant. It lets reality in.
How to Start Accepting Compliments (Practical Steps)
Step 1: Notice When You Deflect
Start paying attention to your automatic responses:
Do you immediately minimise? ("It was nothing")
Do you redirect credit? ("So and so did most of it")
Do you list flaws? ("I messed up the ending though")
Do you dismiss? ("You're just being nice")
Just notice. Don't judge yourself for it. Awareness is the first step.
Step 2: Understand What Your Brain Is Afraid Of
When you feel the urge to deflect, pause and ask:
What feels dangerous about accepting this?
What am I afraid will happen if I just say thank you?
What belief about myself is this compliment challenging?
Common fears:
"If I accept it, I'm lying because I'm not actually that good"
"They'll expect more from me and I'll disappoint them"
"I'll look arrogant"
"They'll realise they were wrong about me"
Name the fear. It loses some power when you see it clearly.
Step 3: Practice the Two-Word Response
This is the uncomfortable part. When someone compliments you:
Just say: "Thank you."
That's it. Nothing else. No "but," no explanation, no list of flaws.
It will feel:
Weird
Uncomfortable
Maybe even dishonest at first
Like you're being arrogant (you're not)
Do it anyway.
Step 4: Add Context If You Need To (But Keep It Positive)
If "just thank you" feels impossible, you can add context, but keep it positive:
Instead of: "Oh it was nothing, I just threw it together" Try: "Thank you! I worked really hard on that"
Instead of: "I got lucky" Try: "Thank you, I'm really proud of how it turned out"
Instead of: "Sarah did most of it" Try: "Thank you, we made a great team on this"
You're acknowledging the compliment AND your effort. Not deflecting.
Step 5: Challenge the Belief Behind the Deflection
When you notice yourself wanting to deflect, question it:
Deflection urge: "They're just being nice, they don't really mean it" Challenge: "What if they do mean it? What evidence do I have that they're lying?"
Deflection urge: "If I accept this, I'm lying because I'm not that good" Challenge: "Is it possible I'm actually more capable than I give myself credit for?"
Deflection urge: "I'll look arrogant" Challenge: "Would I think someone else was arrogant for saying thank you to a compliment?"
You're not trying to force yourself to believe the compliment. You're just questioning whether your automatic rejection is accurate.
Step 6: Keep a "Compliments Received" Record
This sounds cheesy. Do it anyway.
When someone compliments you:
Write it down
Include who said it and what they said
Notice your initial reaction
Read it back when your inner critic is loud
Your brain dismisses compliments in real-time. Writing them down creates evidence you can't ignore.
When It's Time to Get Support
When Deflecting Compliments Is Part of a Bigger Pattern:
If you relate to this post, deflecting compliments probably isn't the only thing you're struggling with.
You might also:
Struggle with imposter syndrome (feeling like a fraud despite evidence of capability)
Have a brutal inner critic that tells you you're not good enough
Feel like your worth is conditional on achievement or perfection
Need constant external validation because you can't trust your own judgment
Replay conversations looking for proof you were "too much" or "not enough"
Avoid opportunities because you don't feel "ready" or "qualified"
These are all connected. And they all stem from the same core belief: "I'm not fundamentally good enough."
What Actually Helps:
Accepting compliments is a good start. But if the belief underneath ("I'm not good enough") doesn't change, you'll keep struggling.
This is where therapy, specifically CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), can help:
Identifying the core beliefs driving the pattern
Challenging the evidence for and against those beliefs
Building self-worth that isn't conditional on achievement or others' opinions
Separating your worth from your performance
Learning to internalise positive evidence instead of automatically rejecting it
You can't think your way out of a belief system that's been running for years. You need support to challenge it properly.
If This Resonates:
I work with high-achieving women who:
Struggle to accept compliments without deflecting
Feel like frauds despite evidence of their capability
Have harsh inner critics that won't let them feel "good enough"
Tie their worth to achievement, perfection, or others' approval
We work on building self-worth from the ground up, not through affirmations or "thinking positive," but through challenging the beliefs that keep you stuck and proving to yourself (through evidence and experience) that you're fundamentally okay even when you're imperfect.
If you're tired of deflecting every good thing people say about you because your brain won't let you believe them,I'd love to help.
The Permission You've Been Waiting For
Here's what I want you to take away from this:
Deflecting compliments isn't humility. It's not protecting you. It's reinforcing the belief that you're not good enough.
Every time you dismiss praise, minimize your work, or redirect credit, you're training your brain to reject positive evidence about yourself.
And over time, that creates a version of you that can't see your own capability, can't internalise your strengths, and can't believe the good things people genuinely see in you.
You're not arrogant for accepting a compliment. You're just being accurate.
So the next time someone says "great job" or "you're really good at this",try something radical:
Say "thank you."
Sit with the discomfort.
Let it in.
Because the good things people say about you? They might actually be true.
And you deserve to believe them.
